After receiving requests from several of my Nikra Wood readers to start blogging again, I have. I suppose I should take a moment to explain why I stopped blogging in the first place.
My marriage exploded.
After a ten-year relationship, Edward and I lost our compatibility and couldn't find it again. When we first met, I wanted to be an actress. Edy didn't want me to pursue my dream for his own reasons. Other people in my life discouraged my dream as well, so...I listened to them.
I laid my dream on the altar of practicality and stabbed it, repeatedly, but the tenacious bastard just wouldn't die. Ten years later, my dream pried sacrificial knives, scissors, thumbtacks, and a spoon from its twitching innards, clawed its way off the altar, dragged its oozing, rotting mass across plains of desolate loss and through jungles of shrieking nightmares to reach me.
When my bloody, battered dream shlurped into my lap last spring, I couldn't turn it away. How could I turn my back again as breath filled my lungs and blood rushed back into my heart? I gave my dream a bandage and a tube of antibiotic ointment that expired four years ago, told it to walk it off, then marched off to the nearest theatre. With the tattered remains of my dream's little hand clutched firmly in mine (the rest was going into shock in the car), I was back where I belonged.
And as new beginnings come from the endings of old, my marriage began to crumble. Poor Edy, who had grown so accustomed to my presence at home, became lonely. He began to grasp for what we had, and I felt the air squeezing from my freshly filled lungs. My dream cowered behind me, literally quivering in fear--and squibbly...stuff. (Seriously, after what I did to the poor thing, it's little more than a pile of jelly. It's damn gross.) I couldn't let my dream go again. (Can you imagine what would come back to me after murdering it a second time?)
As my relationship with Edy changed, I found solace in my art and the company of new friends. I rekindled a childhood friendship with a woman who is now my roommate. I love her dearly, and I cannot thank my dream enough for reuniting me with Whitney. Okay, I can't thank my dream enough to pet it either. That thing needs to be in a bio-hazard bag at this point. Trust me, if you saw it, you'd just puke. Don't blame me for not wanting to touch it any more than I have to. Although, I did see a scab fall off of it the other day, so it might be healing...or maybe that was just a piece of bacon. Ew.
My dream also introduced me to Jon. We performed in The Importance of Being Earnest together as Jack and Gwendolen. Jon and I became very close friends, and my heart grew attached to him. Not literally, that would be freaky. I couldn't help developing a crush on my new best guy friend, and in my indomitable honesty, I confessed my feelings for Jon to Edy when he asked me. As an actress, you'd think I'd be a better liar. Who knew? I suppose I confessed my feelings because it was impossible for them to develop into anything more than mere feelings. Jon is happily married. I thought I was too.
With his heart thoroughly broken, Edy lost his freaking mind. We started fighting everyday. Threats were made. Insults were slung. Accusations, attacks, destruction of property, screaming, crying, holding each other and begging for it to all stop, we suffered through it all. Our darkest hour reached its climax, and our marriage blew apart. Edy took refuge with his brother and his best friend. Jon and his family came to my rescue.
I fell in love with Jon, my white knight. I didn't mean to. I didn't want to. I just couldn't help it. His wife knows everything, and she and I remain friends despite the taboo situation. This time, my indomitable honesty saved me in that I never lied to her about my feelings for her husband. I have never attempted to damage their marriage, and by my honor, I never will. That might not mean much to some, but my reputation is my honor, and what else do we have if not that? Your reputation precedes you, and in the end, it's all you leave behind. I don't mess around with my honor.
I still love Edy. I always will. One day I promised to love, honor, and cherish him until the day I die. I will never break that promise. When we talk, we talk like old friends. We share our delights and woes from our new lives. Our marriage meant something. It was instrumental in making us the people we are today, and neither of us is going to forget that.
Now, as Valentine's Day approaches, I am happy to say that Edy has a new woman in his life. She has a young son, which I think is wonderful. Edy always wanted to be a father. He's great with children. I hope they have a happy future together and can help each other grow into stronger, happier people in this new chapter of their lives.
As for me? I'm alone.
I have friends, the best group of friends anyone could ever hope to have. They're all insane. They're dramatic. (Actors, who knew?) And they all have hugely enlarged hearts. Seriously, I think I've seen homeless people trying to hide in some of their ventricles. We may bicker and bitch as artistic types tend to do, but at the end of the day, we make an incredible team, deliver spectacular performances, and have a grand time together. Still, I'm the only one curling up in my bed at night.
I like being single in that I don't have to run my choices by anyone else for approval, but sometimes it would be nice to have an arm around me while I watch TV Land. I did meet a man last summer. I was at Jon's birthday party. (I won't say what age, because I love Jon, and he knows where I live.) I was introduced to one of Jon's ancien--ol--I mean, college friends, Tony. I was still with Edy at that time, but I remember getting a nice vibe from Tony. I could just tell that he was a decent human being.
My path didn't cross with Tony's path again until November, when I auditioned for If It's Monday, This Must Be Christmas. I was right, he did turn out to be a really nice guy. He's funny, intelligent, and hardworking, my three favorite qualities in a person.
Shortly after the show ended, I asked out Tony. He hesitated, but we did start joining each other for the occasional dinner. We spent those meals talking, laughing, and becoming friends. Shame that's all he wants to be with me.
So I can't make him fall in love with me. So what? I now have someone that will stay up half the night texting with me. We watch movies together. He might not always call when he says he will, but we're friends. I'm happy for that much.
This won't be the first Valentine's Day that I've bought my own tulips. Huh? Yeah, I prefer tulips. I've had my fill of roses. Roses can suck it. Maybe I'll treat myself to some chocolates while I'm at it.
In honor of my new blog, you're getting a two-song post. Okay, so I just couldn't decide between the two. These songs are striking deep chords in me lately--painful, but solidifying.
Fucking Perfect
Jar of Hearts
Today's wisdom:
"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be his option." ~Unknown (Yes, I corrected the plural pronoun. I couldn't take that grammatical atrocity.)
